Travelling

Hackney Downs station, moments after being told that, due to points failure, no trains will be entering or leaving Liverpool Street Station.


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It pays to advertise

But it also pays to find someone who knows how to do it. I may be more sensitive to language than many people, but the sheer concentration of howlers in this flyer for the Bear Hotel, Hodnet, is pretty glaring. I’m particularly fond of the free-form third sentence, which isn’t a sentence at all, and the juxtaposition within it of ‘Medieval Banqueting Hall’ and ‘disco facilities’. Unique backdrop, indeed. I also like the idea of themed wedding, though I wonder what they have in mind. The Black Death? Beowulf?

But the pièce de résistance has to be the second paragraph. The semi-colon is presumably there to lend gravitas to its surroundings – it certainly serves no grammatical purpose. Unfortunately, it comes immediately after pallet, as in:

a) a narrow mattress filled with straw;
b) a hard, narrow bed;
c) a flat wooden or metal platform on which goods are stored.

How sophisticated is that? Nice one, Trevor.

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Trahison des cler(i)cs

I’d hate to encourage unsubstantiated gossip about the sexual habits of one of the most luminous of our moral beacons, so I’ll simply mention in passing that God’s ferret, Cardinal Ruini, leading light of the flog-em-and-hang-em school of compassionate catholicism, may have had – or be having – an affair with a male artist whose critical success is not entirely unlinked to his eminent squeeze’s…er…eminence.

Next thing you know he’ll be wearing Prada.

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Letterman vs Hilton


This is too good to miss.

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We don’t have homosexuals in our country…

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Two days in London

Just back from two event-packed days in London. One’s sense of a city is necessarily skewed by what takes place in it, so right now the capital – after two book launches, a meeting with my editor at Picador and the person handling publicity for Little Monsters, the Baselitz exhibition at the Royal Academy and an excellent Chinese meal, not to speak of hours in bookshops and some ground-shaking flamenco (with tapas) – is a buzzing hive of culture, opportunity, food and ever-flowing wine. I can’t believe it’s the same place I sat and shivered and wept in for two whole winters (and more) of my life. But enough self-pity!

First up was the launch for Sea Stories, at Stanfords. This was a very civilised affair, with readings by four of the contributors and a perhaps ill-judged opportunity for questions. I find it hard to listen to prose being read aloud (though I’m perfectly happy – indeed eager – to do it myself!) and suspect that the best work often loses a lot of its resonance in the process, but all four writers convinced me that their stories were well worth the telling, with Sam Llewellyn’s dramatic, slightly staccato style, as though each phrase were a slap of wave on a hull, having, for me at least, the most impact. It’s odd, and amusing, to be in an anthology with writers you haven’t met, like the first day at a new school. There was a hilarious bit on Today the following morning, in which the Lord Admiral of the Fleet (possibly, I’m not very good on ranks), who clearly hadn’t read a word of the thing and more or less said as much – he referred to the contents of the book as ‘articles’ – waxed lyrical about the beauty of sunsets. Don’t let this put you off. You can get it from Amazon.

As far as Little Monsters goes, I now have bound proofs and can see it as a book for the first time. And hey! It is! (I’m far too excited by this to behave in a coherent or useful fashion here, so let’s move on. But it looks fantastic!)

The Baselitz show is a must. It’s extraordinary to see the paintings develop from the early post-war stuff to the latest remixes as he struggles to subvert figuration not through abstraction, which, seen from this perspective, begins to feel like a cop-out, but by cutting and splicing, upturning, reducing, through mockery and quotation and inanity and the sheer physicality of the medium. There’s a wonderful weight of paint and, when that’s not enough, the surface is gouged and carved, to be painted over and gouged again. His sculptures, like Matisse’s, are a painter’s sculptures, but none the less for that, while the final room shows an invigorating playfulness as he picks up and reworks the themes of the earlier stuff. Feet, not always attached, play an interesting ever-changing role throughout the show. Standing in the first hexagonal room you can see the original Oberon (this one here) to your right and the remix (used to advertise the show) to your left. Oddly, there’s no postcard available of the original, which is an astonishing painting, the four marginal heads, curious as aliens, staring down towards you, their only source of light. Don’t miss it. I mean that.


Then, on Thursday evening, Isobel Dixon launched her poetry collection,
A Fold in the Map. I’ll let the poetry speak for itself, as it does, with honesty and dignity and a hard-won lightness of touch. But I will say that I had a wonderful time, meeting new people and finding myself, for the first time since my old poetry reading days, in an environment where writing was simply something one did. I imagine the mood is similar at a plumbers’ convention, and any plumber who’s worked in isolation will feel the same mixture of exhilaration and fellowship that I did. Thank you, Isobel. You also made me laugh so much (I can’t remember why) that I snorted a glass of red wine down my front, although this was considerably later in the evening.

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Customer care 2

I was having breakfast a few weeks ago at Birmingham New Street station (I had to change trains. Honestly), in a place called something like the Covent Garden Company. I’d just finished my Greek-style yogurt with sliced strawberry and crunchy bits when a woman came over to clear the table. She wiped the surface with her cloth. We had this exchange.

– Have a nice day.
– Thank you. You too.
– Chance’d be a fucking fine thing.

I treasure this moment of sincerity.

Talking of Birmingham New Street, I once did spend a night there. I was sixteen and I was hitching down to London with my best friend, Nigel Foster, from the Potteries, a first for both of us and conceived, I seem to remember, as a dry run for the great escape. It all got a bit too much for us by the time we’d reached the Second City, so we decided to cut our losses and go to a club called Mothers, which had quite a reputation at the time. (Does anyone remember it?) We saw Soft Machine (with, I think, Robert Wyatt and Kevin Ayers), and Derek and the Deviants; we were offered, but couldn’t afford, drugs. After we’d been thrown out, we caught an all-night bus – with the intention of staying on it all night – but were thrown off that as well and ended up at the station. Where we tried to sleep but were constantly moved on by police. It was exciting in a sub-Kerouac way, and then depressing and extremely cold. No one tried to pick us up. In fact, the forces of evil were pretty much absent that night; no free samples from dealers, no friendly strangers with offers of beds. We caught the first train back to Stoke-on-Trent, where my father was waiting for us in the car. He didn’t ask us if we’d had a nice day.

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Customer care

My mother’s local supermarket, Somerfield, has rearranged its tills, dividing them not according to how many items you might need to pay for, but the container, trolley or basket, you’ve chosen to collect them in. The trolley tills are where you’d expect tills to be; the basket tills have been siphoned off behind a barrier laden with the sort of goods some supermarket designer must have deemed the most probable impulse buys for basket carriers. I didn’t know this until today. I was emptying my basket on the belt when the woman told me her till was for trolleys only.

– Why? I said.

– Because baskets are over there.

– But why?

– Because I can only take for trolleys.

– But I’ve got enough stuff here to fill a trolley.

– But you haven’t got a trolley. I can’t do baskets. I can only do trolleys.

– But there’s no one here, I say. And there’s a queue over there.

– I’m sorry, but I’ve been told. I can’t do baskets.

– Can you change this? I said, offering her a two pound coin.

– What for?

– Because then I can go outside and get a trolley and put all these things into it and then I’ll be able to pay here.

She thought about this for a moment, apparently on the point of saying that she couldn’t do change, then gave me two one pound coins. I left my basket on the floor and went outside to get a trolley. When I came back the till was closed.

This story is true. Up to the point at which I claim to have said, Why. Because I didn’t say anything. I stomped across and joined the basket queue. And I’m still angry.

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Soundtracks

Watching the South Bank Show about Joan Didion, there’s a sequence of scenes of student disorder in San Francisco in the late 60s. The soundtrack chosen for this was a track from archetypal New Yorkers, the Velvet Underground, specifically, Shiny Boots of Leather. Didn’t this strike anyone as odd, or inappropriate? It’s like accompanying film of the Brighton Conservative Conference with Ghost Town by the Specials.

On second thoughts, not.

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Punctum

My mother’s neighbour brought round some photographs yesterday morning of her daughter and son-in-law’s holiday in Devon. One of the photographs showed the son-in-law performing for the camera, leaning at a dangerous angle on a flight of steps, supported by a hand rail. It isn’t clear where he is: the building behind him might be a piece of industrial archaeology or an abandoned nineteenth century church. Immediately to his right is a pair of Romanesque windows with stone frames and someone, with great care, has decorated each arch with the word fuck, a detail his wife, my neighbour’s daughter, clearly didn’t see when she took the picture.

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