A roof of one’s own all’italiana

Just over six years ago, in late June 2001, work on our house was interrupted by the unexpected visit of a local policeman (vigile). Apparently there’d been a complaint from someone, we weren’t told who, that we were about to add an entire floor to the house. This was unlikely; the house was already four floors high and we barely had enough money to restore what we had, let alone add to it. What we had done was add what’s known here as a cordolo, a band of reinforced concrete that runs along the top of the outer walls, holding the entire structure together and providing a solid base for a new roof. We would happily have done without this; it was expensive and slightly raised the roof, something we felt would reduce the charm of the rooms on the final floor. But our builder and surveyor both insisted and we fell in with their plans. It’s hard to find a restored house in Fondi that doesn’t have a cordolo, after all. They’re as much a feature of the town as the massive cobbles or the old women selling vegetables from their doorsteps.

But the vigile, spurred on by his zealous, newly-appointed superior, decided we’d committed an abuso edilizio. This term covers everything from opening up a foot-square window in a wall to building a three-storied seaside house with mooring point for a couple of yachts in a national park. Berlusconi’s villas (and private mausoleum) are notorious abusi, though not much seems to happen as a result. We were taken to a lawyer, the brother-in-law of our builder. He said we shouldn’t be worried, that everything would sort itself out, although how this might happen wasn’t clear. Two days later, the main door to the house had a police notice attached to it saying that the house was sotto sequestro. In other words, we couldn’t even enter the building, never mind continue with the work.

We weren’t living there yet, but we’d planned to move in that summer. Only hours before the vigile turned up, we’d carted into the house a pseudo-baroque (1940s) sofa and armchairs we’d found in a second-hand furniture shop on the Pontina. We had to leave our flat in Rome to make room for some friends of ours, so much of the first floor was filled with boxes of books, clothes, stuff, a chandelier Giuseppe had bought from a flea market before we even had a house to hang it in, rugs, beds, kitchen tables and chairs. The house contained everything we owned and loved.

It took us a week or so to have the seals removed from the door, at least for the house’s owner. Me. It took over a month to get permission to enter the lower floors and carry on with the work. We were lucky; we moved back into the flat we’d had before, and sold to a friend, or slept downstairs at Sally’s. We watched the work continue, the sun beating down into roofless rooms, the shadows of the beams moving across the floors. And then the weather changed.

We applied for permission to put on a temporary roof as rain soaked the newly-laid floors, sank deep into the walls, gathered in puddles, bounced off the marble stairs,warped the new doors. We were told that the half-dozen wooden beams constituted sufficient protection. We tried sheets of plastic, but the wind ripped them off. We tried to waterproof the floors, pretend we had a terrace surrounded by walls with windows and doors, but the rain seeped through. One autumn night, we were lying in bed in our borrowed flat, unable to sleep for the storm. We pulled macs on over our pyjamas, slipped flip-flops onto our feet; ten minutes later we found ourselves sweeping water out of what was supposed to be a bedroom, shivering, drenched to the skin, crying with rage at the hopelessness of it all. The following day, we put on a temporary roof.

After that, it became what the lawyer calls ‘tutta carta‘, an endless accumulation of documents and applications and statements and testimonials, the file getting fatter and older as the years passed. We thought we might be able to take advantage of an amnesty under Berlusconi 2 (I know, I’m ashamed), but it would have cost more than the roof itself and besides, we only had to wait another year or so for the case to fall off the radar. The statute of limitations for abuso edilizio is five years, but this was extended for those who didn’t take advantage of the amnesty. OK, we thought, six years. We’re nearly there. And then, this June, we were.

Just over a week ago, the house bell rang. Giuseppe went downstairs to open the door while I squinted down, as I usually do, from my study balcony to see who was there. I recognised the vigile at once. He’d come to see if we’d done any work on the roof. Well of course we had. He said he’d be back with a camera. We went to the lawyer. The lawyer said that the statute of limitation applied to the abuso but not to the violation of the sequestro, which was subsequent to the abuso. How subsequent? he wanted to know. When we told him he said that with any luck the statute of limitation would apply to our second crime if the police didn’t decide to speed the whole process up, which was unlikely. I use the word crime because violating seals is, apparently, a criminal offence. In theory, though only that, I could go to jail. In practice, I’ll have to give the lawyer his usual whack and may be fined. In the meantime, I have a record.

Two days later, the vigile came back and took his photographs. And now we wait. Contrary to logic and common sense, the longer the business takes, the more it suits us. But, of course, we continue to live beneath a roof of corrugated bituminous stuff that’s designed to be used under roof tiles, not in their place. We continue to live in half a house. The hardest thing to stomach is that there seems to be no way to unite the requirements and processes of the law with the facts of the case. No way to simply bring a judge into the house to see what’s been done and listen to why we did it.

The biggest irony is that, since we were charged, the use of a cordolo has been accepted by the local administration, which now recommends its use on old houses in the centro storico of Fondi. Unfortunately, this eminently sensible decision isn’t retroactive.

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Something Rich and Strange

Feeling nautical? Maybe you should read Sea Stories, an anthology of, er, stories about the sea, published by the National Maritime Museum to celebrate its seventieth anniversary. The collection contains a story of mine, entitled Something Rich and Strange, as well as work by a host of others. You can pre-order it here.

And if you’d like to come to the launch (never has the term seemed more appropriate), at Stanfords Travel Bookstore, in Covent Garden on 26 September or Bristol the day after, visit their site for details. I’ll be at the London one. I should really be at the Bristol date because my great-grandfather was harbour master there, but I’ll be at another book launch (believe me, this is not the way I normally behave). My agent and friend, Isobel Dixon, will be celebrating the publication by Salt of her poetry collection, A Fold in the Map. More information here.

A l’eau. Ces’t l’heure…

Posted in something rich and strange | 2 Comments

The last word on Larry "Wide Stance" Craig?

This comes from Queerty, via Joe.My.God (so you may have seen it already). You may need to click on it to read the fine print.

Posted in homophobia, hypocrisy, larry craig | Leave a comment

Bars

This bar is just over the road from La Maffiosa, on the corner of rue des Dames and rue Nollet, where we stayed last year. Its slightly down-at-heel exterior makes it look as though it’s been like this for years, but it was actually being put together by a group of people last summer. We walked past every day and watched them working on it in a touchingly amateurish fashion, wielding tools with a sort of wonder at their ability to perform the allotted task, hammering and sawing and painting in passionate, neurotic flurries before opening a bottle and sitting around one of the tables to laugh and look anxious and drink, covering scraps of paper with figures and sketchy plans of the place. Never has a drinking hole been christened with such regularity, from conception to birth.

We missed the opening night because it took place on the day we left. It seemed impossible they’d be ready – the tables and chairs were stacked at the back, the lighting was hanging from the walls, the paint on the shelves behind the bar still looked wet. But we’re assured they were, and the evening was a great success. Now it’s settled into the landscape, attracting its natural constituency, identical to the people who created it.

It’s fifty yards from another bar which caters to northern African transvestites, off-duty before heading back to Pigalle, I imagine, or Avenue du Clichy. We had a drink there one rainy afternoon last summer, somewhat against my better judgement. The middle-aged woman behind the bar, generously bosomed and squeezed into a tight black woollen dress, seemed thrilled to see us, perhaps assuming we were there to raise the tone of the place. She scurried across to our table with a dishcloth and a plate of nuts we hadn’t asked for. She was about to put the plate down when I reached for my umbrella and knocked the nuts all over the just-wiped table. With a nonchalance I still admire, she gathered them up in her hand and put them back on the plate. Merci, madame.

I didn’t have to eat them, I know. I could have left them on the plate, as Giuseppe did. It was my fault and no one else’s that I spent the next two days poised between bed and bathroom, my only significant activity projectile vomiting.

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La Maffiosa (sic)

Back to Paris, where we saw this sign outside a pizzeria in rue des Dames. It’s extraordinary the extent to which criminality can acquire a veneer of folksy charm. Who knows how long it will be before we see a cartoon image of Mr Weeny the pederast (with dog) outside an amusement arcade (if that’s what they’re called now)?

Let’s hope they spell it right.

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I am human just like them

Johann Hari may have got it wrong about Iraq (and, if I remember correctly, he’s acknowledged this more than once) but he’s spot on when he talks about homophobia. His article in today’s Independent, examining the way gay kids are the victims of bullying in schools, points the finger not only at the bullies themselves (victims of food additives?), but, more significantly, at teachers, who fail to do anything, blame the victim or actually support and substantiate anti-gay behaviour, and, of course, at the government, which seems to think the problem doesn’t exist.

He’s particularly incensed by the fact that homophobic bullying is more common in faith schools. This is hardly surprising; monotheism doesn’t have a great record when it comes to recognising gay rights. But I wonder what would happen if someone suggested that the government fund, or even recognise, a school for gay kids along the same lines as those used for faith schools. It might be a ghetto (though this would be no truer of a gay school than of any other selective structure – including one based on class; it’s significant that ghetto is only ever used pejoratively), but I’d rather be in a ghetto than standing alone in a hostile playground.

And if you aren’t convinced, read this suicide text, quoted by Hari, sent to his sister by Jonathan Reynolds, a 15-year-old boy who’d been bullied after coming out to friends:

“Tell everyone that this is for anybody who eva said anything bad about me, see I do have feelings too. Blame the people who were horrible and injust 2 me. This is because of them, I am human just like them. None of you blame yourself, mum, dad, Sam and the rest of the family. This is not because of you.”

Ten minutes later he’d been sliced in half by a train.

Posted in education, homophobia, human rights, religion | 2 Comments

NW15

If you’d like to read Entertaining Friends, the story of mine that was included in the Granta/British Council anthology, New Writing 15, click here. You can also enjoy the glossary, which explains, among other things, details of Roman topography, past and present, and the meaning of punctum.

Posted in new writing 15, shameless self-promotion, writing | 1 Comment

Good riddance to…

…Leona Helmsley, the hatchet-faced parasite who said that paying taxes was for the ‘little people’ and left her dog $12 million. Maybe they’ll bag her ashes in one of those neat little sachets designed for pooches’ poo.

Posted in death, good riddance, money, pets | 2 Comments

Little Monsters: proofs and covers

I’ve just been told that Picador plans to produce bound proofs of Little Monsters, rather than page proofs. I’m one step nearer to seeing the book as, well, a book. This means I’ll be able to wrap my single copy of the jacket around the novel it’s intended for, rather than other books that have more or less the same dimensions. In Italy, I’ve been using my Collected Poems of Cavafy. Here, in England, where I’m watching, among other things, X Factor with my mother, it’s a 41-year-old biography of Van Gogh entitled the The Man Who Loved the Sun. It’s hard not to read some meaning into this. Tomorrow I’ll be with Jane in London and I’ll have to see what she has on her shelves that fits so that we can admire the jacket’s clean lines and singing colours and overall disquieting quality (everyone tells me; I’m delighted) as they should be admired. Unconditionally.

I’m getting excited and nervous. I’ve spent the last few days reading book reviews and literary articles of one sort or another in the UK press, performing a similar operation to that of wrapping a jacket around someone else’s book, i.e. replacing the author’s name with mine to see how it feels.

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Let the punishment fit the crime

Nothing could seriously dim my pleasure at seeing Republican Senator Larry Craig outed in such a succulent manner (see below), but a $500 fine and one year’s probation, with the possibility of ending up in jail if uninvited footsie activity recurs before August 2009, does seem a tad harsh. Is this the kind of punishment that’s meted out to anyone whose clothed extremities stray a little in public places? Or is it reserved for adult men in ‘rest rooms’?

And isn’t the role of the arresting policeman slightly compromised? I would have thought that to react to the senatorial tootsie’s advances, as this officer so clearly did, seated and on the alert in the adjacent booth, was an act of, well, provocation. What was his state of dress? Did the senator, married and father of two adopted children, get a glimpse of the policeman’s naked calf, or was he lured on by the promise of a sock, a trouser leg?

And who designs these booths? I’ve never seen European booth partitions with space enough for hands and feet to ramble willy-nilly from one cubicle to the next. I thought such things were the prerogative of pornographic fantasy, along with ever-willing plumbers and car mechanics. How wrong I was.

Posted in larry craig | 2 Comments