Ratzinger’s festive message was unusually spirited this year. It’s good to know that old age and too many tennis lessons with the lovely Georg haven’t robbed the old trooper of his sense of humour. In a costume that Widow Twanky would have murdered for – and one can only imagine the sumptuousness of the under-garments – Eggs tried out a new routine to the joy of the usual fanbase of lick-spittles and Italian politicians worshipping catholics. Well, not exactly new, more a reworking of old material, but hey! a girl can’t go on dancing all the time. The new wheeze is that the world’s ecology is damaged less by deforestation than it is by pussy-bumping and its male equivalent. (I’d use Madame Arcati’s more colourful terms for this but my mother’s only feet away from me as I write.) According to the mad old slapper, gay sex is the equivalent of wiping out whole tracts of the Amazon. What he hasn’t provided us with, alas, is a conversion table. For example, just how much damage does one act of consensual anal sex do in carbon footprint terms? Come on, Ratzy, we need to know. I mean, if it can be proven that a quick blow job is no more destructive than, say, uprooting a small fruit-bearing bush, at least we know where we stand. We can make a reasoned decision. Maybe we can offset the carbon cost of a weekend on Ibiza, or Lesbos, by planting a hedge of privet and growing some rhubarb. You must have people who know these things, Ratzy. You seem to be surrounded by experts on just about everything, from medicine for the terminally ill, indeed totally vegetative, to the price of bloody fish.

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3 Responses to Gaia

  1. David Isaak says:

    As it happens, I’m a hydrocarbons guy in my day job.The effect of sex, gay or otherwise, on global warming is hard to assess. Certainly it emits carbon dioxide, but the quantity emitted depends on how much effort is put into the act.Offhand I would guess that even a marathon week of athletic sex has less global warming effect than a single cow burp. (Cows burp methane, and methane generates far more global warming than carbon dioxide.)I’d guess that if a person drank one less glass of milk they could offset about a month of steady sex, but I’ll have to go do the calculations.

  2. Thank you, David. I expect Benny will be getting in touch in the new year – this is just the kind of information he’s looking for. If you can also do miracles, or embroidery, you’re practically guaranteed a position at the Vatican.

  3. I like your approach here….Seeing as most people probably switch off the heating and go to bed to have sex then we’re at least saving on the old fossil fuels …. We can also balance it against alternative recreational activities that would use more carbon – eg going for a drive, watching tv, If his anti gay message is about procreation, then what about celibate priests?

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